Living for myself

Every once in a while I experience a time of spiritual shock, where I realize that the way I've been living isn't good enough; a time when I realize that there is much more for me in my Christian walk than what I've been experiencing. Recently I've been awoken to find how compromising and self-centered I've been. In fact, for the last two weeks all I've been thinking about is what does it mean to hate my life? What does it mean to not cling to my desires? How is that lived? How do I live for others?

A week ago my conversation with the Lord turned to my compromising ways. I had to acknowledge that I've been living a comfortable life. I was comfortable with where I was at. I was comfortable with my life, with how I was treating others, with my devotional life, with my hunger. And in my comfort I failed to realize that I had been slipping. My heart didn't burn the same way for the Lord. I've become lazy. I haven't been concerned with the plight of others.

How do I get out of this funk?

I started to think about what my life would be like if I continued to live the way I've been living. It was a frightening thought. 20 years from now, will I look back and find I never lived for others? Will I find that I just stayed comfortable the whole time and neither risked nor sacrificed anything? What do I hope to gain by clinging to my own life? I begged the Lord to not let that happen! And what was frightening was that I knew that if it was left up to me, all my fears would become reality. I would just live a life for myself.

Lord, I need you to rescue me!! You know my tendencies to fade, to lose passion, to constantly fade towards living for myself, living comfortably. If you leave it up to me, I know I'll end up living a life of compromise! Lord, rescue me from myself! Shake my life up! Do whatever it takes! Shake me from my complacency! Get me out of my comfort zone and keep me out, because I keep trying to get back in.